In the United States and many parts of the world, boys grow up immersed in a culture that subtly—and sometimes explicitly—teaches them that certain behaviors define manhood. Dominance. Suppression of emotion. Control. Aggression. For many, these patterns are not only taught but modeled by adults in their lives, often by men they love or fear. As Terrence Real writes in Us, men often carry the burden of these inherited behaviors well into adulthood—sometimes even after they realize the pain they cause.

Destructive behavior, when repeated and normalized, becomes an expectation. The more one acts out in anger, shuts others down, or avoids vulnerability, the more people come to see this as “just who they are.” And so the cycle continues—not just because of the behavior itself, but because of the collective tolerance of it.

This tolerance becomes a form of complicity. Onlookers, peers, and even victims may start to believe that the abuser “can’t help it,” reinforcing an unhealthy dynamic that fuels further harm. But here’s the truth: men can change. And many want to.

A Message to Men

This message is for you—whether you’ve caused harm or stood silently by. As Terrence Real explains, many men feel deep shame about the ways they’ve hurt others. But rather than sit in that shame or hide from it, Real urges men to ask:

“Who taught me that this is how a man behaves?”
“Do I want to continue living like this?”
“Can I let go of what no longer serves me—or those I love?”

In Us, Real emphasizes that many abusive or destructive behaviors are rooted in childhood trauma. When a boy experiences neglect, violence, emotional suppression, or disconnection, he internalizes that experience as a model for how a man behaves. As adults, these wounded child selves often become “activated,” reacting not from wisdom or maturity, but from unresolved pain and survival strategies learned early in life. Real points out that while therapists often focus on the shame a traumatized child feels, many overlook an equally powerful effect: the empowerment the child may have felt in that moment. Even if the behavior was harmful, it may have given the child a sense of control, superiority, or agency they lacked elsewhere. This complex emotional imprint—both shame and empowerment—can silently shape the adult’s behavior until it is consciously recognized and healed. The invitation, then, is not simply to suppress or manage these reactions, but to understand their roots—and to let them go.

The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Adult Abuse

Experts like Bessel van der Kolk (The Body Keeps the Score), Janja Lalich, Laura Richards, and Gabor Maté have all highlighted the profound correlation between early trauma and adult behavior. A person who was once powerless, voiceless, or violated may grow up seeking control, dominance, or isolation as a way to protect themselves from ever being that vulnerable again.

Marshall Rosenberg, in Nonviolent Communication, also touches on this—how the language and behaviors we use are often shaped by our unmet needs and unhealed pain. He reminds us that behind every harmful action is a tragic expression of an unmet need.

But there is hope. The past is not an excuse, but it is a map. A guide to understanding what we’ve inherited, and what we’re capable of changing.

Tools for Change: What the Experts Suggest

If you’re a man who recognizes yourself in this cycle—or someone who’s stood silently by—here are some steps, inspired by trauma experts and therapists, to help begin the process of healing and change:

1. Notice Your Triggers

• Begin to track when and how you react strongly. Is it when you feel ignored? Disrespected? Out of control?
• Ask yourself: What am I feeling right now? and When have I felt this before?

2. Trace It Back

• Terrence Real and Bessel van der Kolk both emphasize the importance of exploring the origin of behaviors.
• Journaling, therapy, or somatic practices can help uncover early memories where you were taught (explicitly or implicitly) that emotion = weakness or control = safety.

3. Break the Code of Silence

• Talk to other men. Share vulnerably. Seek spaces (like men’s groups or therapy) where emotional honesty is not just allowed—but encouraged.

4. Shift Your Language

• As Rosenberg teaches: Replace blame with responsibility. Instead of “You made me angry,” try “I feel angry when I think my needs aren’t being heard.”

5. Choose to Let Go

• Healing isn’t about perfection. It’s about choice. Do you want to keep acting from your wounds? Or do you want to begin creating something new?

For Men Who Witness

If you are someone who has seen these patterns in friends, family, or coworkers—know that silence is part of the system that keeps abuse alive. Real masculinity doesn’t mean staying quiet. It means having the courage to say: “This isn’t okay.” And to ask, “Are you alright?” and “Do you want help?”

Final Thought

The phrase “boys will be boys” has long been used to excuse the inexcusable. But if boys are to become men, we must stop telling them that cruelty is normal, that silence is strength, or that control is power. We must teach them to feel. To speak. To own their actions. To heal.

And let’s be clear: the idea that “women are emotional” while men are not is one of the most commonly taught—and most damaging—myths passed down from fathers, grandfathers, and older generations to young boys. It tells boys that emotions make them weak, feminine, or less of a man. The truth is, men are deeply emotional beings. They’ve simply been taught to suppress their feelings—burying them beneath anger, control, or silence. Emotions are not gendered. They are human. The only difference is whether we allow ourselves to feel and express them—or pretend we don’t.

True strength is found not in power, control, or destruction—but in the courage to speak, to feel, and to heal through words instead of harm.

Further Reading

Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
By Terrence Real
Terrence Real explores how men’s internalized trauma and inherited models of masculinity shape their relationships—and how to reclaim emotional intimacy, integrity, and accountability. A must-read for anyone looking to understand how early life experiences can silently drive destructive behavior in adulthood.
Big takeaway: You are not broken—you’re acting from a part of you that learned to survive. But you can choose differently.

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
By Marshall Rosenberg
This powerful book provides a framework for understanding how unmet needs and unresolved pain often lie at the core of violent or hurtful communication. Rosenberg teaches how to express emotions without blame, how to listen with empathy, and how to break the cycles of control and silence.
Big takeaway: Language matters. Changing how we communicate can help change how we live—and how we love.

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